I am wreckage hear me roar no 5 cont...

No 1 top left...No 2 bottom left...No 3 bottom right...No 4 top right

In the studio...I've got the 4 of them on the wall and a 2 metre x 1 metre piece of paper laying on the floor ready to paint No 5. Just before I let it go I want to write a bit about the these four. The interesting thing is No 2 and 3 seem to have lost energy, they are quieter paintings, they don't have the tangling paint and movement that No 1 and 4 do. I'm thinking these two may also have to be reworked.
I'm still so happy with No 4, It's really developed the series which is making 2 and 3 look like they are now lacking....Anyway...time to paint this monster....

This is how paintings start

I am wreckage hear me roar No 5

Since moving in my new studio in Melbourne I've been feeling torn in two ways. I'm swinging from happiness in getting a great studio finally and feeling a great deal of anxiety and pain from horrible childhood memories. The studio is in the area I grew up and it's bringing back memories I'd rather forget. I need to get this out of my system, and I need to focus on what I've just achieved and how far I've come since escaping Melbourne and the dysfunctional, mentally unstable adopted parents many years ago.
I've been wading through some dark waters this week, I've been feeling really down, overwhelmed by feelings I have felt for a while. 'My baggage exploded', triggered by wandering around Brunswick again. I love Brunswick, it's a bohemian nightmare, so I've got to deal with this stuff.
I need to paint this out of my system. This is the essence of this series, I need to take my wreckage, the repressed feelings, memories and create something perfect, beautiful.
I'm going to blog this painting the week before I start because these negative feelings are so powerful, the pain and horror I saw as a kid was terrible, the verbal and emotional abuse has left it's permanent scars but I have the ability to acknowledge this and turn it into beauty. I need to both write about this to get it out of my and to slowly diffuse these energy being these feelings as if I paint this with too much patho's and absolutly no rationality it will turn to a mess.
I've got a 2 metre by 1 metre piece of paper waiting, anything smaller won't work and I've taken Monday off from my day job so I'm holing up in the studio and I'm going to not only painting this out of my system, I going to find the beauty and perfection it.

It's the only way.

Creative individuals

Creative individuals are remarkable for their ability to adapt to almost any situation and to make do with whatever is at hand to reach their goals.
When we're creative, we feel we are living more fully than during the rest of life. The excitement of the artist at the easel ...comes close to the ideal fulfillment we all hope to get from life, and so rarely do. Perhaps only sex, sports, music, and religious ecstasy—even when these experiences remain fleeting and leave no trace—provide a profound sense of being part of an entity greater than ourselves. But creativity also leaves an outcome that adds to the richness and complexity of the future.

By: Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi

New studio

Finally a new studio, mine form today, I can live in a house now with no art work all over every floor in every room. It's just outside CBD in Melbourne...so i'll be moving in on the weekend...

Wreckage and exhustion part two

See image below..
I think this next piece in the I am wrechage hear me roar series should focus on how my artistic side destroys my everyday side. How it stops me having an completely everyday existence, which is good for my boredom levels as it's always interesting, even thrilling sometimes but it's bad for my social life. I get too intense and driven and it scares people off. Don't blame them I can be a bit of a maniac when I'm painting. But what can I do when it creates great art. I always seem to making the choice and art always wins, so does my creative eccentricities. I guess the drive is always too strong.

I ay have found a studio in Melbourne finally, I'm going to have a look tomorrow, the location is great but it's a bit more than I wanted to pay. we'll see what happens

Wreckage and exhustion

What do I expect? I paint pieces title I am wreckage hear me roar and end up wrecked myself. I've only just started to feel human again. This painting just totally wiped me out, it was a fairly big piece 100 x 70cm and I finished it about 7 hours, although focusing that intently for that time is really draining. I'm still a bit shocked by it, this piece has a life of it's own, it was a really intense creative process, typically these paintings are usually better quality and content, they also break new ground, but they nearly fucking destroy me.
I'll attempt another piece soon bt this week I'll finsh the 12 collge pieces and put together the 3 new Repetitions. It's an easy draw and not a manic, out of control, emotionally driven painting session. I need to build up some strength for another one of these.
With a new Wreckage piece, I want to do something that focuses on the destruction of the everyday, typical and average. I'd start from a personal position, my dislike for popular culture, my utter boredom towards the stuff most people find thrilling, Hollywood movies is a good example of this, I've no idea how anyone could find them thrilling, they bore me out of my mind. Lately, I want to scream when I listen to stranger's conversations around me they are so mind numbing, or maybe it because I have interesting friends? But this is the start point, and as these works are largely spontaneous and subconsciously driven, these issues should deepen and become more complex and universal. Well, that's the plan....

i haven't written poetry for 4 years, now I can't stop

i felt you
lightly
almost as if you weren't there

you weren't really there
no
but i felt you
you were soft
perfect
and simple
one thing
one small vulnerable wish
one simple hope
you went home and you hoped
such beauty can be never forgotten
now i can't fight
now i can't forget
your perfect loving moment
mine
and you thought no one was looking